Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Good cop, Bad cop, Smart ass kid.

My brother moved out of home when I was about 16 and rented a flat with a mutual friend of ours behind the local shopping centre, this was great for me as they had discovered the joys of home brew and many a day and night was spent sampling the different beers. One time my brother had tried to make home made alcholic Ginger Beer, he had all the right gear and made a batch ready for capping. We started capping them without realising that the glass bottles were screw tops and all we had were the type that needed a bottle opener for, we capped them all and about three months later decided to try our brew. What we found out was that it needs a fair bit of pressure to get the lids on and this had compressed and broken all the bottle tops. We spent the next couple of hours drinking the ginger beer through gritted teeth and spitting out a fair bit of glass.

I used to ride my push bike from our house to theirs on the way to school to get changed and spend the day lounging around their house and causing as much trouble as possible. On my way their one day I was stopped by two local Police officers as they thought I was riding the bike without a helmet, I started telling them that I wasn't riding but merely pushing the bike. The Senior Constable was getting rather upset that this 16 year old kid was arguing with them and started making threats while the young Constable was trying to tell him to calm down.

As a last ditch effort to find something wrong with the bike to justify stopping me the Senior Conny looked my bike up and down and asked why my bike had Fuckem written on it, I explained to him that it was actually Fulcrum and because of the writing it just looks that way. The good cop got down and had a closer look and came up with a smile and explained to the Senior that it does actually say Fulcrum, this wasn't good enough for the Senior and he decided to do a street check on me to make sure that I wasn't a trouble maker.

He asked me for my address and date of birth and where I was going etc. etc. He then asked me if I had ever been in trouble with the Police before, at that point I had had enough and replied "why, yes I have officer", he asked me what for and i looked him dead in the eye and stated "I have been in trouble for not cleaning my room, answering back, not taking out the rubbish and for bad grades at school." They both looked at me with a stunned expression until I explained that my father was a Police officer, The young Conny started pissing him self laughing while the Senior just glared at me before yelling at me to 'Piss of now before I charge you with Obstruct Police, You should know better than be a smart ass".

About two years later my brother wanted to join the Army so he asked dad to do a background check on him to make sure he didn't have any reason to be worried. My father typed in our last name into the police computer and only one name showed up, Mine. It turns out that this Senior Constable had been that irate that he had put in an occurrence about me in the hopes that one day it would show a pattern of behaviour. Some People take themselves just a tad too seriously

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Ease Into It.

Well I thought I would ease in this and tell a story that's not too bad.

I grew up in New Zealand in a town called Papakura which is in South Auckland, for those that don't know NZ much South Auckland could be considered a pretty big shit hole.

As far back as I can remember my Father has been in one Police Service or another, in Papakura Dad was in the Ministry of Transport (Traffic Cops). Dad used to bring his Police car home with him, we have a lot of photos of me and my brother sitting in various cars and on motorbikes, but my first memory is when I was two years old.

Apparently as a young fella I used to be very impressed by Dads Ministry of Transport Cap, I used to wear it around as much as possible and pretend I was directing traffic around the back yard. One day I decided to take my imaginary role and turn it into reality. Everything was going fine until a neighbour advised my father that his adorable baby boy was on the main street and apparently in real danger of being hit by a car. Dad went for a walk not believing his little cherub would be able to get out of the yard.

As he rounded the corner he heard cars beeping and spotted a little cutie wearing nothing but a nappie and a Ministry of Transport cap dutifully advising motorists of who had had right of way and who had to stop and wait.

Now when people say that they had there ass kicked its normally a figure of speech, well I can very plainly remember that my Father literally Kicked my Ass all the way home, I can still feel the pain through my nappie to this day. After that I was banned from wearing his MOT cap- The world is never fair to a middle child.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011


Well I thought I would start this to debrief and hopefully entertain, I'm not going to use real names. Some stories are pretty gross but mostly funny.

 My stories are not going to be in chronological order but put up as I remember them. A bit about me, Im 27 years old, Married with Kids. I moved to Australia from New Zealand When I was 15 and left School at 17. My first job was as a Shoe and Boot Repairer after that I went into the Security Industry and stayed there for 7 years. I worked as a Bouncer as well as Shopping Centres and a Dog Handler.

As I was working Security I got a job with a Funeral Home working the Coroners Contract which involves picking up bodies from Car Accidents, Suicides and any other un-natural deaths. After 7 years I got sick and tired of the Security Industry and went into "main stream" Funerals, as well as becoming a Funeral arranger I also became a Mortician.

I now work for the local Police as a Civilian Watchhouse Officer. These stories are from my time in these workplaces as well as from my family, who give me an un-ending supply of funny stories. Now I must say that if you dont like my stories please stop reading them. If you are easily offended please Do Not read this, if you like it by all means tell your friends and hopefully we can have a few laughs and a bit of fun.

P.S I am open to comments, suggestions or questions